On Civility

Writer Andy Duncan has a great post up on his blog about the debate taking place in the science fiction community over the increasing visibility and inclusion of women, people of color, and LGBTQ people therein. I wanted to boost his signal, and amplify on a comment I posted over there regarding the lack of “civility” on the part of those calling for change.

I haven’t said very much publicly about the cultural changes overtaking the field. I tend away from the political on my own blog. I have friends across the political spectrum: generally they know my point of view on these issues and I know theirs, and by tacit agreement we don’t go throwing drinks and breaking up the furniture. But some things need to be said.

Over on Andy’s page I wrote:

It’s much easier to be civil when you’re not afraid.
It’s much easier to be civil when you’re not hungry.
It’s much easier to be civil when you’re not ridiculed.
It’s much easier to be civil when you’re not discriminated against.
It’s much easier to be civil when you haven’t been hurt for who you are.
It’s much easier to be civil, in other words, when you’re on top.
It’s a massive failure of empathy to decry the incivility of people who’ve been the victims of racism, misogyny, or homophobia–or any kind of violence against the body or spirit.

I don’t pretend to be above reproach in my speech and behavior. I come from blue-collar parents who completed sixth grade and high school respectively, and who carried all of the cultural baggage of the World War II generation. I come to my positions on race, gender, and equality after many years of being stupid. I will likely continue to say or do stupid things, at least some of the time, and so will most of you. Because that’s the human condition.

The opposite of stupid, though, isn’t “political correctness.” The opposite of stupid is empathy. What’s required is not following a list of rules for social interactions, but being open to the experience of others–to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, in the idiom of my parents’ generation, a practice observed more in the breach in their time.

Many of the people calling for change in the SF community could fairly be characterized as angry: angry about racism, misogyny, rape culture, homophobia. Angry about injustice. Their anger can be hard to tolerate, perhaps especially if you feel you’ve done nothing to deserve it. But telling someone who’s been mistreated to be civil is adding insult to injury. In this regard, to say “both sides do it” (as if there are only two sides), isn’t helpful: the victims will feel betrayed and the victimizers enabled.

In these circumstances, rather than feeling like you’re supposed to capitulate to the victim’s demands, you–we all–might try understanding why they’re angry. It’s a hard turn to make, I know, especially when you are feeling attacked.

The thing is, happy people don’t fight for change. Of course you’re happy if the status quo benefits you, but if those benefits come at someone else’s expense, you can’t reasonably expect them to be happy on your behalf. Or even civil.