5 Comments


  • My crime rebate!

    No contest. Assault. Assault in two legal degrees and 7 degrees of satisfaction.

    You?

    June 24, 2004
  • Re: My crime rebate!

    Homicide, Homicide, public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, disorderly conduct, disorderly conduct, public urination.

    Yes, I would be a fun date.

    June 27, 2004
  • Re: My crime rebate!

    ha ha ha! You know what I love most about this? That you saved public urination for last, as a parting gift to the terrorized masses. You really did lay it out like a full night’s work. I’m surprised you didn’t throw indecent exposure in there, as well.

    I thought about disorderly conduct, but I’m overdue for some violence. I’d save the big beatings for two especially deserving candidates , and then perhaps I’d continue my streak, to a lesser degree, on the following archetypes:

    Victim: Woman ( it’s always a woman) who pushes into the train car before the rest of us get out
    Receives: One shove into the car so her packages spill out .

    Victim: Man in car who makes kissy noises or says “psst!” like he’s calling a kitten
    Receives: One painful twist of genitals and a head bash on the steering wheel.

    Victim: Surly drunken man who cuts me in line at the deli to buy 13 lotto tickets – and 10 scratch offs!!!
    Receives: A swift trip and a boot to the knee.

    Victim: Woman in bar who gives me a dirty look, for any reason.
    Receives: One hair pull, one slap, and one shove backward

    Victim: Group of teenagers lighting firecrackers on the sidewalk.
    Receives: One cigarette burn to the ringleader. On his forehead.

    See? Everyone goes home in one piece and I don’t have a hangover in the morning.
    But I’d have to start working out to even have a prayer. I think even the old surly man could take me at this point.

    June 27, 2004
  • Even mentioning theoretically what I would do with mine would probably get me a trip to John Ashcroft’s office. Where I would use misdemeanor number five.

    July 02, 2004
  • Yes, and I’m probably on a Justice Department watch list for merely starting the thread. (LJ is just getting around to processing Comment e-mails, hence this antediluvian reply.)

    August 03, 2004

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